Author Topic: Teacup Event #2: Writing Workshop: Discussion  (Read 8999 times)

Vatina

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Re: Writing Workshop: Discussion
« Reply #15 on: June 23, 2010, 06:03:10 pm »
Chapter 4:

Hoho, things really are happening now. Two new girls introduced! Both eager to fight for the cause (especially Mizuko - that one could turn interesting). Quite a situation Shinji got himself into.

I agree with cloud on this sentence:
"That fellow class member of mine would have to level up quite a bit for us to get to that situation."
I was wondering for a bit how that should be understood, but then ignored it.

There is also a passage with a long exchange of dialogue, where I was thinking that a few words of expression or description would have been nice, but it's nothing major.


MoonlightBomber:
Yeah, sorry about that. Guess coming home from a con can have that influence.


On tense:
Yes, we do the tense-switching in my language too. I try hard to forget that when writing in english, but usually fail ^^;


Also, what do you all think about the idea of a 2nd round of this story?

number473

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Re: Writing Workshop: Discussion
« Reply #16 on: June 23, 2010, 08:37:27 pm »
Typo fixed. Regarding "That fellow class member of mine would have to level up quite a bit for us to get to that situation" I'm referring to the guy in Shinji's class that kept bugging him about Natsuko in the 2nd and 3rd chapters. And the manga, and the specific character in that manga that I am referring to is Fukuyama from Girls Bravo. Considering the whole Gynophobia thing I couldn't help sliding a reference to it in.

I'm game for another round if everyone else is interested.

lordcloudx

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Re: Writing Workshop: Discussion
« Reply #17 on: June 30, 2010, 02:30:04 pm »
First off, I won't be up for another round myself. Also, I'd like to make a counter-proposal. We've discussed it among ourselves before, but I think it's time to make it public. How about collectively editing the entire story to make sense after the final chapter has been written and turning it into a short kinetic novel?

We could use free music and I think there are enough artists on board this particular team to be able to do something about the graphics side of things. Programming won't be much of an issue since it's a linear, non-interactive story.

Chapter 5 comments: At first, I was going to say that the intro portion felt a bit overdone, but... as I read the entire chapter as a whole, it seemed to fit in quite nicely. There isn't much happening in this chapter event-wise, but I think it's fine. It kind of fleshes out the personalities of the two protagonists, which were being built up in the previous chapters.

Also, I like Shinji's internal monologue. It shows that he's not completely oblivious to Akiko's feelings, but is trying to deny it even as he tries to deny his own.

My one complaint would be that some parts in the narration felt like the diction was too eloquent.

 I like the way this chapter ends. It's a good set-up to make a conclusion in the next one, if it does become the final part.

Vatina

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Re: Writing Workshop: Discussion
« Reply #18 on: June 30, 2010, 04:37:54 pm »
As for cloud's comment on making a vn:
Making a VN of this sounds intriguing, and I must admit having thought of it even before the discussion came up on irc. So if people want to do that, then I approve.
I also think that this story has room for much more though... but you're probably right that things should end while on top. We could maybe start a workshop around a new story if people want to after this.


On Chapter 5:
Nice and emotional chapter. This one was more focused on the inside of the characters, rather on actual actions. That way I think it pretty much cemented their emotions so far, which is good since we're near the end. I liked Natsuko's comments in the end.

On the other hand I also think that made it seem a bit on the short side, and I was dying to see more of what they would do :P

Kikered

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Re: Writing Workshop: Discussion
« Reply #19 on: September 07, 2010, 06:59:33 pm »
Chapter 6 is finally up! Hopefully it's worth at least some fraction of the wait.

lordcloudx

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Re: Writing Workshop: Discussion
« Reply #20 on: September 07, 2010, 07:31:54 pm »
Comments on last chapter: Great job in tying things together while retaining the semi-serious atmosphere. I liked how you made use of almost all the key characters and even some of the side-characters introduced in the earlier chapters. I felt that the last scene could have used at least one more twist, like if he ended up treating Mizuko to Ice Cream every day and they developed some kind of cliche love-hate relationship.

Over-all, a great job. Consistent writing and quite entertaining all throughout. There was one typo I noticed (which I pointed out in the channel.)  Caught that NGE reference, btw. :P

Well, since the story is finally complete, I'm up for turning this into a Visual Novel. What do you say, people?

mikey

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Re: Writing Workshop: Discussion
« Reply #21 on: September 08, 2010, 05:32:55 pm »
Congratulations Kik! And now I am finally going to read it :)

So purely from the perspective of the original challenge, does this mean that Event #2 is successfully finished? It would certainly be my opinion.

Quote from: lordcloudx
Well, since the story is finally complete, I'm up for turning this into a Visual Novel. What do you say, people?
I think it depends on what the conversion should be, more specifically if this should be an all-Teacup event like the writing challenge from which it comes, or if it's just going to be an "event-independent" project. As for me, I am now committed to Event #3, and I can't really participate, which I assumed was the general question. If this indeed turned into something for everyone to participate (e.g. Event #4), then I would suggest waiting until #3 is finished. So that would be in November.

number473

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Re: Writing Workshop: Discussion
« Reply #22 on: September 08, 2010, 07:59:33 pm »
I have a recomendation if it is to be done as a collaborative effort (which would make sense to me) which is to have a few different people edit (for style and overall consistency)  and then coreograph/script or whatever you call it, so that you also have to some degree the various participants takes on the thing overall. Then include the perhaps slightly different versions in the game, rather than us all trying to reach consensus and trying to place commas by vote.

Vatina

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Re: Writing Workshop: Discussion
« Reply #23 on: September 09, 2010, 03:10:09 pm »
Woo final chapter!

It was a really nice read and managed to end things nicely in spite of all the things going on. I really liked the part about the stupid friend :P

Spoiler for Hiden:
Akiko's sudden change took me by surprise. I almost did expect her to stab him or do some other mean thing xD But it seems she didn't really care that much after all and only went after him for practical reasons? In any rate I guess it was wise of him to leave when he did.
This change almost makes me wish the story continued and elaborated on this sneaky personality of hers :P

In that last part where they eat ice-cream I was also confused me for a bit as I was in doubt about who he was actually eating ice with until after a while. Otherwise it was great too.

Of course it doesn't necessarily end here - further discussion about the chapters are more than welcome!
Endings can be hard to pull off, but I wasn't disappointed ^^

As for turning it into a visual novel - I don't mind. Doing something along the lines of what Number proposed could help to even out the text maybe. But like mikey I am afraid I can only contribute minimally - I simply have too many projects running right now.


And last - congrats to all participants for finishing this challenge! :D I'd say it was a success. I hope everyone got something useful out of this experience :)