Author Topic: A new *short* VN from me, possibly...  (Read 5130 times)

lordcloudx

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A new *short* VN from me, possibly...
« on: December 22, 2011, 03:15:51 pm »
I'm planning to turn this particular story into a VN when I have the time. This'll be a small side-project of mine for the holidays. The story can be read here: http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2816784/1/The_Blackbird

I'd like some feedback on it if anyone would care to read. I'm looking for feedback on plot structure in general. Don't worry about grammar and punctuation. I'll find someone to fix that if this plan pulls through.

(note: not sure if this actually belongs in the recruitment thread just yet or not. Personal opinion: not quite. To my co-admins, feel free to move this thread if it seems inappropriate.)
« Last Edit: December 22, 2011, 03:17:28 pm by lordcloudx »

Wright

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Re: A new *short* VN from me, possibly...
« Reply #1 on: December 23, 2011, 04:07:04 am »
Don't worry about grammar and punctuation. I'll find someone to fix that if this plan pulls through.
Good to know that you are working on a new project.
So, I would like to offer you my services. If you want, I can proofread your script. But it'll take one or two days.

lordcloudx

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Re: A new *short* VN from me, possibly...
« Reply #2 on: December 23, 2011, 05:29:49 am »
@wright1000: no thanks. I have someone else in mind for that. Though, I'm not sure if he'll have some free time. Anywayz, precision of language isn't really an issue for me as much as getting comments on the actual story.

Wright

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Re: A new *short* VN from me, possibly...
« Reply #3 on: December 23, 2011, 05:51:16 am »
All right, then.
I hope he gets time to proofread your project.
I'll be looking forward for this VN to be released.

mikey

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Re: A new *short* VN from me, possibly...
« Reply #4 on: December 23, 2011, 12:25:17 pm »
I would probably dwell more on the implications of the writing on the plane a bit longer, but that's me I guess. As for the first part, I don't know if this was the aim, but the information about the other boys, their personalities and the routines / games all three played I think served more to invoke the melancholy of the childhood times - in fact I would say that it was more of a memory of a childhood summer than the philosophical / psychological point that came across.

That said, I also had one story that I once destroyed (back then, things were written on paper), and then tried to recapture its spirit by rewriting it. More than anything plot-related I wanted to recapture the atmosphere - sort of an attempt to build again what I felt I lost by destroying the manuscript. So the postscript reminded me of all this - it was my first large text and I derived a lot of inspiration from it in the future. Perhaps even because it was gone and I could not see it again - one then makes it into a symbol of the times when there was no audience to write for, even though with more recent works I was able to shake the doubts that I have changed for the worse, as a writer, and things aren't as pure as they once have been. But that's a different discussion I guess.

One technical detail: it seems to be a long text to overlook especially since I would examine the plane very carefully if I ever got my hands on it - Perhaps it the message could be hidden somehow (like a piece of paper inside the plane's secret compartment (the YF-12A version had, I believe a missile bay).

lordcloudx

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Re: A new *short* VN from me, possibly...
« Reply #5 on: December 24, 2011, 02:33:32 pm »
@mikey: Thank you! That was exactly the kind of feedback I was looking for. I've already got a few changes in mind for the VN version. I'd like some more input from other people before I go through with this project though.

Applegate

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Re: A new *short* VN from me, possibly...
« Reply #6 on: January 01, 2012, 03:08:55 am »
Quote
fifteen faint flickers of light fluctuating faintly in the distance.

Ah, alliteration.

I think, structure-wise, it'd be a good idea to see if you can get the first chunk of solely narration to be alternated somewhat with conversation, or dialogue. As for another thing,
Quote
For me, it was the coolest plane of its time – perhaps the coolest plane ever. It was summer when I first came across this plane when it was featured in a short 3-page article inside a monthly general interest magazine that my parents had subscribed to.
, and you'd think he'll continue talking about the Blackbird. I really expected it, and it took 14 lines before it actually mentions the Blackbird again and makes it relevant. To be precise, the line "It was summer when [...] parents had subscribed to." feels like it's a precursor to something, some sort of follow-up line going, "Thus.", but it never quite does that. I think that's mostly why I think it a bit awkward.

As for the story itself, well, I admit it's not entirely my cup of tea, if only because that "few things in life really have a deeper meaning, there's only coincidences" isn't a message I entirely agree with. In before destiny.

Hey, good luck with the story. :)

lordcloudx

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Re: A new *short* VN from me, possibly...
« Reply #7 on: January 01, 2012, 07:01:20 am »
@Applegate: Haha! Thank you for the response. I'll definitely try to address those issues you mentioned.

Also, that was exactly the message that I tried to embody in the story (I'm impressed yet again... although it is stated a bit more explicitly this time around). Unfortunately, that message has proven to be quite accurate as far as my own experiences are concerned far too many times that I can honestly say that I believe it to be true.