Author Topic: A Transitional Eve  (Read 2856 times)

MoonlightBomber

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    • Moonlight Bomber's Chronicles Mk. II
A Transitional Eve
« on: January 04, 2012, 07:34:01 am »
Genre: Romance/Supernatural

Description:
Quote
New Year's Eve is truly a time for many types of transitions. A group of friends undergoes one.

This actually branched off from an abandoned project from someone at the Lemmasoft Forums. I've been keeping the unfinished project until I've decided to continue what he had started.

Download: Multiplatform

Wright

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Re: A Transitional Eve
« Reply #1 on: January 05, 2012, 11:15:45 am »
Not a bad story.
But what I didn't like was that everything was revealed all of a sudden without any foreshadowing.

Kikered

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Re: A Transitional Eve
« Reply #2 on: January 06, 2012, 01:43:56 pm »
'Grats on the release! It was cool seeing a bunch of old timers from earlier LSF in the credits.

For the most part, it didn't read quite like your usual writing, which is kind of refreshing in its own way. While there were some awkward transitions in the NVL-style prose, the writing was largely fairly direct and delivered in easily digestible chunks.

Like Wright, I found the big reveal to be rather jarring, both in its lack of build-up and in the stylistic change (bordering melodramatic) in the writing. The former could be improved by introducing more points that would raise Gunter's suspicion in the couple (possibly steering him and the reader towards a wrong conclusion of your choosing!). The latter could be improved by breaking the explanation into more bite-sized pieces and checking for stylistic consistency with the rest of the story.

Thematically, the tie-in of the situation to the New Year and title was effective, and I liked it quite a bit. I would've liked to see more resistance to the forced transition from either Gunter or Sara before their eventual acceptance, but that may be beyond the scope you were aiming for.

Overall, it was a nice, short read. Taking up an unfinished project of another is an awesome feat.

Taleweaver

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Re: A Transitional Eve
« Reply #3 on: January 07, 2012, 08:05:48 am »
Visual short stories can be a very powerful thing, but in your case, I must say I wasn't too impressed about the execution. The idea behind everything was good, but why didn't you use it more? Why didn't you build up suspense before revealing the plot twist... and why, after the plot twist, was the story over so quickly, without showing any consequences? Show not tell is one of the most important rules of writing, and your story straight-out ignores it.

Really, this could have been much better. "A Transitional Eve" looked to me as though you really wanted to make something of a single idea but couldn't come up with anything, so you just introduced the idea and left it at that. Take Kikered's advice to heart for your next project and help your reader immerse in the story more. If you do that, I'm sure you'll get the most out of your ideas.

lordcloudx

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Re: A Transitional Eve
« Reply #4 on: January 07, 2012, 06:31:48 pm »
I'll just agree with everything kik said. The plot twist would have had a lot more impact if it didn't come off as an info-dump.

Some things that could've improved this piece would be:
-Splitting the info-dump during the plot twist into shorter paragraphs
-Foreshadowing the impending plot twist (maybe by talking a bit about the history of Jake and Lilia without revealing anything substantial in the introduction)
-Talking a little bit more about the girl instead of using her as a blatant plot device (basically, the resistance to the transition thing that kik already talked about)

Spoiler for Hiden:
Gonna show you a bit about tip #1 in this spoiler tag. You presented the plot-twist like this:

"You may not know this, but... Lilia and I are actually spirits lingering among the living. Exactly a year ago, we drove out to attend a huge New Year's Day party at a famous mall. However, we encountered a drunk driver who erroneously drove towards our path. The two cars crashed, and the result: our car was totally wrecked, and fuel was leaking out of the tank. We couldn't escape due to us being pinned down in that wreck; and to add insult to injury, the drunk driver escaped the wreckage. All we could do is to wait for our inevitable, cruel fate... and our car finally exploded, taking us with it."

Look how much more dramatic that would have come off like this:

You may not know this...

but... Lilia and I are actually spirits lingering among the living

Exactly a year ago, we drove out to attend a huge New Year's Day party at a famous mall.

However, we encountered a drunk driver who erroneously drove towards our path.

The two cars crashed, and the result:

our car was totally wrecked, and fuel was leaking out of the tank.

We couldn't escape due to us being pinned down in that wreck; and to add insult to injury, the drunk driver escaped the wreckage.

All we could do is to wait for our inevitable, cruel fate... and our car finally exploded, taking us with it.

Still, a job well done. This felt a lot less like wish-fulfillment than any of your other short stories. Nice ending song, btw.



« Last Edit: January 07, 2012, 06:34:57 pm by lordcloudx »

 

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